In order not to get pregnant from me, my girlfriend has sex with other guys. Pregnancy is no joke, but it definitely has its moments. Teacher: Give me a sentence about a public servant.. use of this site indicates your agreement to be bound by the Terms of Use. How is a woman like a road? She replies, "Because I swallowed the first. 40. Why? 63. A pregnant wife says to her husband: If the child looks like you, it will be a great misfortune. Apparently, all a vasectomy does is change the color of the baby. A man walks into an enchanted forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. All rights reserved. 110 points. 2023 thecoolist.com - All Rights Reserved, TheCoolist.com is operated by Bon Ventures SRL, a registered company in Romania (Company No. Wife: Certainly. 47. One another: I did a pregnancy test yesterday. 70. "Oh my god, I'm pregnant?" You need a parachute to go skydiving twice. 56. I want the maximum legal limit of drugs. , How would you like to go through life with the name Cooper Banks-Mackenzie? She replies: "Oh my god am I pregnant, am I pregnant! Take a look at these Funny Pregnancy Videos. Doesnt matter what you call him, he wont come anyway. Then wife replied: This is when you lie next to me and howl. He: About what child? Sounds like your contractions are a few seconds apart. . Listen, if you arent ready to have pee on your hand, then youre definitely not ready to be a mom. Problem solved. Pregnant wife: No, honey. So, howd we do? Mike, why do you keep calling your bungee jumping accident the pregnancy scare?. The most corrupt CEOs are the ones who run pretzel companies. 39. Then girl replies: It will be funny for you, but I really dont know. Wouldn't! "You're ready." Say what you will about pedophiles. He was so good, I don't even. 13. I was reading a great book about an immortal cat the other day. We just tell them theyre going to die.. When my Uncle Frank died, he wanted his cremations to be buried in his favorite beer mug. You dont need a parachute to go skydiving. (However, dont worry if these jokes are not dark enough for your tastes. My husband left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." Doctor: Denise. 6. Instead, it is making light of the bad, ridiculing the villains, and empowering people to laugh in the face of adversity. "Jadaughter.". A wife shouts at a young servant: What, Ann, I see you are pregnant! At last, you can live undisturbed by life insurance agents! 24. However, you might feel bad for laughing at dark jokes. On the bright side, all your snacks are family sized. He wasnt a mourning person. 29. Are you expecting a baby? Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to hit you. A pregnant woman went to an astrologer. The doctor says: How old are you, sir? vanish command twitch nightbot. Life wouldnt be the same without them. It beats boiling them in a saucepan. The AV Club shared some alleged leaked jokes that Rock will tell, with the infamous "slap" being prominently discussed. Not a word. *9 months later* Wife: My water broke! Will I love my dog lesser when the baby is born? $3.35. Telling the world youre pregnant is like telling the world you had unprotected sex. She clearly isn't a fan of protection. 46. HUSBAND: Hi Pregnant, I'm dad If I had known the difference between the words antidote and anecdote, one of my best friends would still be alive. Not everybody has one. Then I made pizza because they dont live in a swing state. Somewhere during my pregnancy, I gained something like nine pounds in two weeks and my doctor was like, You know what it might be? For others, its laughing at offensive jokes or sharing memes around the workplace alright, fine, thats me too. As the title of the article suggests, this post contains some seriously dark humor jokes. Otherwise, they are no different from a knock-knock joke. Ans: *Looks at swollen feet* No! Thus, you will find yourself laughing, and then suddenly, the true darkness of it will hit you. A nine-month-long hostage situation where you are both the hostage and the building. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. A deliberate simplicity and a directness that cuts that much shaper, yet at the same time, more entertaining. 9. When he encountered a bear, he still didn't realize his mistake and pointed the umbrella and shot the bear. Ans: With any luck, right after he graduates college. Whats the proper punctuation for a negative pregnancy test? You dont have to study for a pregnancy test, but Ive heard theres a lot of cramming that goes on before the exam. 23. What is it called if two flowers have an unplanned pregnancy? For instance, when you push them down the stairs. Wife:No you're not. He told me that Im pregnant. . 54. P.S. "And the boy?" Get your whole family laughing with dad jokes, mom jokes, sister jokes, and brother jokes. 82. We suggest to use only working pregnant pregnant mom piadas for adults and blagues for friends. I should probably go let him inside. Do you know the phrase One mans trash is another mans treasure? What is the most reliable way to determine the babys sex? I'll never forget my Grandfathers last words to me just before he died. Did you know that your chances of becoming pregnant are hereditary? 11. Animals Many of the pregnant pregnant nun puns are supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. She replies: "Oh my god am I pregnant, am I pregnant! Interested in more content to help you through your pregnancy? Again, we wont be delving into specifics, but from the base level, that makes sense. My husband and I went for an ultrasound scan. Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life. Wife: Whose is it? **Warning** The following post contains material that some may find offensive. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. My wife got pregnant! A football player showers. 37. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. I started crying when dad was cutting onions. The idea of being heard without having to speak appeals to her. Where did Joe go after getting lost on a minefield? I got a job at a library, but it only lasted 15 minutes. 43. What about the girl?" Dark jokes have been traced back as far as Ancient Greece. Telephone +40 745 310 155, Naughty dark humor jokes to make you giggle, Smiling at dark humor and jokes designed to offend, TheCoolist is supported by our readers. says the boyfriend, trying to convince her to stay. Food Ans: It is because you are fatter than they are. Is she right? Some Native Americans are alcoholics. Pregnant Wife: "My husband told me to put the Oreos somewhere I couldn't reach them. 77 dark humor jokes one liners. Why did the run-on sentence take a pregnancy test? Jokes about being pregnant are a great way to help your spouse feel a bit at ease. a) Crying. And he's packing his bag and an angel comes up and asks, "So, where are you going to go for your vacation?" Two friends are talking: My wife is smart. When talking about dark humor jokes and offensive memes, there is no topic more open to ridicule than death itself. Do you have to squeeze a watermelon-sized person out of your lady-hole? Peeing on a stick and preserving that stick is the start of the many disgusting things you will do as a mother. So I wont have to worry about being invited to the baby shower. What did the woman with no hands get for Christmas? "She's having contractions.". My explanation is that she was inside me. Whats better than eating for two while pregnant? They're usually full of shit, but thankfully disposable. She told her: you already have the fourth child, and everything is from John! Were talking about subjects like: These are all subjects that make people uneasy when discussing them. Sorry, it happened by accident. She laughed. After giving birth, I can sleep even while standing! He replied: Well, what are you. New Mother: "My brother named them? A young pregnant mother with a big belly is sitting in the tram. And I say its because youre sweating to death. Jessica Simpson, That first pregnancy is a long sea journey to a country where you dont know the language, where land is in sight for such a long time that after a while its just the horizon and then one day, birds wheel over that dark shape and its suddenly close, and all you can do is hope like hell that youve had the right shots. Emily Perkins, I feel like I have a bowling ball sitting on my hoo-ha! Jessica Simpson, Baby brain is real. 2. 48. Turns out, books about womens rights shouldnt go in the Sci-Fi / Fantasy section. He's an idiot! What would be different if men were the ones who got pregnant? "But I thought Tony recently had a vasectomy." "I'm a butcher," he says. A couple of spicy and sexy jokes to make you laugh and question your own fetishes. 1. Angry husband replies: Eh, when will you finally give birth to this terrorist? "He did." Turns out they dont prevent pregnancy, it just changes the color of the baby. 41. Unless youre prepared for the reaper cushions. Doctor: "We had to deliver your fraternal twins while you slept, but they are completely healthy. So Im assuming my plan is to get it out. 6. Theres a lot of talk about starting families, but no one ever talks about finishing what they started. Me, on the phone: Ok thank you. My town's population never changes. Theres always someone telling you what to do. 2 years later I went camping at Yellowstone and my wife got pregnant again. Suddenly the daughter replied: I do not like him. My daughter asked me how stars die. Our baby was born last week. A husband comes home sadly. My boss told me to have a good day. Here you can find top funny Pregnancy Jokes that you can share your expecting friends. Why did Mozart kill all of his chickens? I threw a boomerang a few years ago. He laughs at jokes that portray black men as sex-obsessed criminals. When people congratulate me, I like to say, For what? and watch them freak out. What do a pregnant woman and a burned cake have in common? Its sarcastic and dry, and often their offensive jokes are delivered in such a way that you dont realize they are offensive until its too late. 1. Where do you work?" People are now giving birth underwater. Doctor: You had twins, a girl and a boy. The wrong number dialled. Then she replies: Because my husband will be there. Wife: Imagine, our neighbour is pregnant again! My childbirth instructor says its not pain Ill feel during labor, but pressure. You can congratulate me. A month later, my wife gave birth to a big boy. For that, she replied: Dear, I have doubts. Thats the easy part. A pregnant lady is talking to her friend: Imagine, this morning I broke a plate. How is virginity like a soap bubble? The man responds, "You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.". How did Burger King get Dairy Queen knocked up? Some are simple, and others are of a far darker tone. alone. Suddenly he replies: I dont want to live with my mother-in-law! 15 Pregnancy Cravings. What better way to calm the nerves than to listen to some light jokes about pregnancy? Everywhere. To scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then it died! Heads, shoulders, knees, and toes. A girl was talking with her best friend: I was at the doctor. They're both fine. Suddenly her husband shouts from the back of the court room, "Your Honor, she also stole a can of peanuts!". I dont have a Lamborghini in my garage. Im pregnant. Doctor: "Denephew.". 17. 61. Mom starts to shout. After that when I went camping at Yellowstone I took my wife with me. 65. Being an orphan isn't all bad. What did he name the boy? 100. Woman: Ohh, that's actually a nice name. american people of french canadian descent A pregnant wife wakes up her tired husband at three in the morning: Honey, I want pomegranates. 34. They say its less traumatic for the baby because its in the water, but its certainly more traumatic for the other people in the pool. A son tells his father: "I have an imaginary girlfriend." The father sighs and says: "You know, you could do better." Son: "Thanks Dad!" Father: "I was talking to your girlfriend." What is the difference between your boyfriend and a condom? Required fields are marked *. Other men were sitting nearby. 83. When does a joke become a dad joke? Why is it so great to be a test tube baby? So, she told her daughter the story. What is the most common pregnancy craving? What's the last thing to go through a fly's head as it hits the windshield of a car going 80 mph? My thoughts are with his family. Then she replied: No. The judge gave me 15 years. I mean, there isnt an option to kind of keep it in, is there? He says he is collecting for the nursing home. Suddenly she asked: Have you thought of a name for the child? Me: Oh no! I inquired. It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. You know youre getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose. Abortion isn't murder. WIFE: Second: No you're not, Wife:Hey Honey, I'm Pregnant Check out our, Anti Jokes: 55 Unfunny Jokes Guaranteed to Get a Laugh, Dry Humor: A Guide to Understanding Deadpan Comedy, Why Does Hair Turn Gray? People are just dying to get in. Leave us a comment below! Husband: No, nothing. WIFE: I have a couple of important announcements First: I'm pregnant. Doctor: Exactly. Have you ever thrown your bae out of the bed to make more room for your pregnancy pillow? I heard Sony is coming out with a new video game console to help us get through the pandemic. 52. To pee or not to pee is never the question. His wife changes out of her black clothes and, irritated, remarks, I really cannot depend on you in anything, can I!. Hilarious cartoons with a dark twist. That must be it. I was eating like a box a day of Entenmanns donuts. Tina Fey, Being pregnant is kind of like a sedative everythings just chill. Jessica Alba, My doctor the other day was like, I think maybe pull back a little bit. I was like, Really? "That's so sweet," she replies. Morbid humor would be saying one baby in ten trashcans. As he died, he kept insisting for us to be positive, but its hard without him. Maternity leave would last for two years with full pay and morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem. Although a joyous occasion, pregnancy can be a bit stressful and nerve-wracking. My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale. Funny animated cart. Then the man came to his wife and said angrily: Im leaving you. Not bad, she thinks. Ans: Crying, peeing, crying because you peed, peeing because you cried. "If you won't stop telling me that I'm fat, I'm going to leave you !" What about my son?" Mom, Im pregnant. A bus full of children. Think about our child. Throw in your dirty laundry. Theres the one per cent thats super-rich. Didn't!" One is a superhero and the other is a simple command. Then he replies: The wrong number dialled. Mom, Im pregnant. The bear lay dead with a bullet in his heart! I know how it feels to grow up without a father! What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth? I dont want to go shopping!. My elderly relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying, "You'll be next!". A lady almost 9 months pregnant falls down some stairs and knocks herself out. "Hi disappointed, I'm dad" No idea. "Your husband did. It was because of a face-off in the corner. 73. They made for devilishly uncomfortable reading. 14. You are fucking cool, and the athlete is anywhere! Sex should be done with a woman from whom you are not worried to hear: Darling, Im pregnant! The doctor said, "It's what we in the medical profession call a grudge pregnancy." Then Ann replies: So what? Her dad: *coughs* I need water Australia The old man said, That's stupid! Dark humor jokes should only be told between the closest of friend groups or if you read the room well. I didnt think so. He still feels nothing. Workplace. You can explore pregnant prego reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Why did the man miss the funeral? 70. An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Remember, you and I are spouses. Finally, her son came in and she assumed she knew what he was going to say, "Let me guess, you were peeing and a bullet came out?" If you pee on them, they disappear. After two years, I saw her with the same belly. I just got my doctor's test results and I'm really upset about it. Healthy Environment 21. She hasnt opened her present yet. interactive elements on the site, any assistance, or response you receive is provided by the author Like a superhero. 49. I am in shock. Guy: That can't be right. Now shut the hell up. "Dad, my girlfriend is pregnant" 67. 89. I am pregnant, which means I am sober, swollen, and hungry. For example, cracking out a few of these during a stag night or while out with a few buddies, you should be fine. USA Find out why pregnant women, pregnant wives, pregnant moms, pregnant nuns, pregnant brides, pregnant cows, pregnant cats, pregnant Halloween characters, pregnant women with twins, and even foetuses make jokes. "DeNephew.". "I like a man who loves animals. Poor guy. Funny Quotes and Sayings What is interesting to note is that there has been a scientific link discovered between those with a dark sense of humor and intelligence. After a while, she leaned over and asked, Which one is yours?. Great! 75. ", Paddy says to Mick, ", But apparently it just changes the colour of the baby. James jumps up, "Adopted! Chris Rock is debuting a brand new comedy special on Netflix this weekend. 92. When will my wife start to feel and act normal again? e) The toilet is your home now. 8. Brain Teaser She became pregnant and took her to the hospital when the time came. You're not 8 months pregnant ?". Should you have any concerns about your health, or of that of your baby or child, please consult with Only for 20 seconds though, and only once. 32. I hate having visitors. In our house, we like to use it as a chance to air our worries and fears and talk about things that are bothering us. I asked my husband to place the Oreos where I couldnt reach them.? These jokes may not be the best way to break the ice with your coworkers or in-laws but your friends or equally twisted members of your family may crack a few smiles. Does anything get smaller during pregnancy? This is not for the welfare of the pregnant woman, but for the sake of saving work! 75. 20. She asked what I wanted to name the second one. It's dark because there's no light. Just because you have a sense of humor and like one of the above, though, you will not necessarily like everything. Why are men like diapers? They say theres a person capable of murder in every friendship group. After that, she replies: Yeah, so its you? Midwife: why? But donate five, and suddenly everyone is yelling. It feels like black humor is designed to make you giggle at the most inappropriate times. 1. Doctor: Denise. "Are you still holding the ladder?". We havent even slept, have we? I knew it! Its important to establish a good vocabulary. 42. So I went home. Ans: Im never having kids, they take 9 months to download!. Im two months pregnant now. A chance for the family to get together and talk about their day. Screaming out BOOM PREGNANT! during sex is never as funny as you think it will be. After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: "Well, I hope you like changing nappies/diapers". Surprised husband asked: Dear! You can't jelly a clown into the tiny car. You always cheat me about being overweight. My parents raised me as an only child, which really pissed off my sister. He asks, "How did this happen my child?" 66. As with everything in life, there are degrees of moderation, even when it comes to dark humor and jokes. When she wakes up, she is in a hospital bed. The pregnant woman's face contorts in pain as she shouts, "Can't! Then, he sat and waited in the waiting room. What did the Titanic say as it sank? Not only will they make you laugh, but the reaction of those youre telling them to will be utterly priceless.